Sunday, June 21, 2009


Speaking of offensive things and awesomely BAMF inventions, I was reading Vice magazine (which is a deliciously offensive magazine that swears and publishes offensive articles and is generally awesome because of the lack of censorship/freedom of speech and I got my issue at American Apparel if that's any warning of how "offensive" it is).

Technology issue baby!

And in my technology issue there was an article about all of these invention ideas one of the people working for the magazine has thought of over the years. My favorite, the laser cell phone, had me rolling on the floor. So I had to share it. I'll list the other invention ideas he had as well just for lulz sake.

Top Loader Laptop
(A laptop that works like a typewriter. It forces one to "STRIVE FOR PERFECTION" since the top loader laptop doesn't allow you to backspace. It's permanent, just like a typewriter!)

A Mouthless Woman
Creates a quieter, BJ-less world.

"We've all be promised more than a little headway in the laser department for more than 30 years without seeing shit. Hello! Laser-developing motherfuckers! Star Trek and Star Wars gave a laser striptease a lifetime ago and we still haven't seen any action. I really don't give a shit about an iPhone with GPS because a) I have GPS in my car and b) I have eyes in my head. Where's a Chinese restaurant? Let me look around. Oh. There's one. What I need IS FUCKING LASERS. I need them to slice things, I need them to maim animals in the way of my car that I don't want to kill, I need them to kill people in the way of my dog that I don't want him to maim, I need them to shoot my mouthless woman in the ass just to remind her she can't scream. AND I NEED THEM NOW. So please, Bill Gates, I know you have lasers up that crazy tomorrow-house of yours, please share. Make the * key the laser button. No one uses that button anymore. *69? What the hell was that about? This is the future. * = laser = dead!"

Permanent Window-Lock Button
(Prevents his dog from jumping out the window while the car is moving. Also renders it impossible to pay toll and get fresh air.)

Titty-Milk Catching Bag
(A bag that catches breast milk like a dookie bag catches horse crap from those horses that pull carriages and what not)

A Light that Never Goes Out

An Exercising Mexican
(A mexican that exercises FOR YOU and you lose the weight while he exercises. So you can lose weight while laying on the couch)

The Vice Camera
(Takes pictures automatically elevated to the awesome level of Vice photographs. And delicously hipster at that)

Lonnie Sound Bite Machine
(A machine that has buttons that plays recordings of the author's retarded Uncle Lonnie cursing)

Oh man. But that Cell phone with lasers. The * button. ACE!
The author of this article was Chris Nieratko so if you want to look him up and email him letters of encouragement to invent the said cell phone...GO FO IT.
Ps. I told you this magazine was OFFENSIVE.

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