Friday, August 29, 2008

SNEAKY ELEPHANTS

WHAT A TRICKY MOVE MCCAIN.

I have to admit how impressed I am at their move; NO ONE was expecting that! And it's the perfect rival to Obama's black-ness. However I hope people can see through this conservative facade, and see how ANTI-FEMINIST THIS WOMAN IS!

If McCain wins this election I will legitimately abandon my current life as it is. Hitchhike, ACROSS THE OCEAN, to Europe. And live out the rest of my days as a street peddler. Never to have faith in the American country again.

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At any rate, Sarah Palin is totes rocking the Amy Winehouse poof. That is NOT to say she is worthy of actually winning.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Hear Hear: Real G's Play Piano



What if this is what they played at the club?
Hahahaha! Yeah, schwateva.
But really, this guy should start a Hip Hop Lounge. Basically the classier and more mature nightclub with the same kind of music! Win win!

Check his other stuff. He did an amazing version of Buy U A Drank. Hard to imagine, RIGHT?

F, I regret quitting the piano. Just as much as I regret being a lazy, nonathletic person who can't go to the Olympics because she's good at nothing involving sports.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

United States of PHELPS

If it was up to NBC it WOULD be the United States of Phelps.

So this past week I have been following the Olympics closely, or atleast I've been following the Olympics according to NBC (read: Volleyball, Michael Phelps, Gymnastics, Michael Phelps, Diving, Michael Phelps, Swimming, Michael Phelps)

In between servings of President Phelps I have enjoyed many moments of the Olympics, beginning with that exciting 800 M Freestyle. NOT! Sports cannot be enjoyed in front of a television. So once we get the boring crap out of the way, there have been some exciting Olympic moments!

And thus, I bring:

ENJOYABLE OLYMPIC MOMENTS PART 1

Kinesio Tape >> buy here

2007-09 ISPO 149
This mannequin knows what's up.

Quite possibly the coolest accessory at the games this year. Kerri Walsh was the first one to really exploit the potential of this stuff! She wears it on her shoulder as a piece of artwork. It resembles a tattoo more than medical tape.

For a mere $15 any Joe Schmo can get some Kinesio tape art on any part of their body. I mean I guess it helps if you have some kind of injury, the original purpose of the tape is for injuries. But I'd much rather be using it for style! It's like getting a tattoo, without actually getting a tattoo. But not as pre-teen as a temporary tattoo. And not as messy as henna.

Personally, I would like to create some kind of Kinesio pattern all over my arm. Go tanning, then take the tape off and have some tan tatts.

Tan = PHAIL

Tan is the new FAIL.

Our Boys in Bronze
Kevin Tan, 2nd from the right, loves the pommel horse.

I appreciate the laughs when gymnasts tan it, but I also appreciate when they WIN.

Fencing Helmets

Around 2 am on some week night, I found myself watching Fencing. Or to be more accurate I found myself falling asleep on fencing, only second in boringness to golf. But for the parts where I was actually watching I realized something exciting about the sport! The masks light up when someone gets shot down by their opponent!

Now I could be making this up on account of I can't find any photographical evidence of the said masks lighting up, but if I'm lying the fencing masks SHOULD light up. I'm thinking something like this would spice up the event so much.

Daft Punk
Smile, you just killed me via fencing!

Michael Phelps looks like Matthew McGrory


While I was watching Charmed the other week, and Matthew McGrory had a guest role, I came to a startling conclusion that Michael Phelps looks a lot like McGrory.

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Just saying...

Am I the only one who sees the resemblance?!

The Condom Mystery

Condoms were hugely popular at the last Olympics. So popular that they actually ran out. Yes, the entire country of Greece ran out of condoms. (I wish that was true). So this year the Olympic committee had to buy even MORE condoms to keep the athletes safe.

The first assumption is that all of the Olympians are horn balls who can't keep it in their pants. But you have to figure...not all of them CAN be hornballs because:

16 year olds in the Olympics:
~80%
Old people with families in the Olympics:
~15%
People in the Olympics who can actually be horn balls:
~5%
* source known to be unreliable

And 5% can't use 60,000 condoms! But then I realized Kobe Bryant was at the Olympics. Mystery solved!

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Score 40,000 for Kobe!

Michael Phelps listens to Young Jeezy


Back to President Phelps. In an effort to look like the biggest douche bag possible, he walks around before his races in a white Muhammad Ali Robe while listening to his iPod. From the look on his face (read: emotionless) I thought he was listening to John Mayer or Eric Clapton.

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Hip Hop artist, Young Jeezy.

Oh no no. Homeboy gets down with black people music! Greetings from the ghetto President Phelps.

A little sample of some of the lyrics he listens to before he crushes the dreams of other swimmers:

Every time I do it I do it for my hood
And every time I do it I do it for yo hood
And every time I do it I do it for they hood
It's understood I do it for the hood

I'm tempted to mail him a mixtape of Sissy Nobi now...so he can channel his inner New Orleans during the races.

NBC Wants to Suck Michael Phelps' Cock

I also learned that NBC wants to suck Michael Phelps' cock with their eyes shut. But I mean this is pretty obvious.

Sucking some Phelps D***

I also learned that all Michael Phelps does is eat 12,000 Calories, sleep, and swim. And NBC neglected to mention how he gets DUIs in between all of that.

I wish I could find his mug shot, but since NBC sucks him so hard, they removed all traces of it from the internet, I'm assuming. TANNED.

Really though, nothing but love for Michael. He has one of the nicest bodies I've ever seen.

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MICHAEL?! IS THAT YOU!!?

In the hands of an expert it is possible to make even Michael Phelps' face look incredibly good looking. Thank God for Photoshop and perspective.

Swimmers are Hot

And off the subject of Michael Phelps who is the object of lust of virtually everyone, there are a SO MANY other swimmers who have amazing bodies AND faces to top it off! You don't even have to put a bag over their head!

Case and point:

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From L to R: EL SENOR CUTIE, Ryan Lochte, President Phelps

Ricky Berens? Who also won a gold medal.
Please note: THE BODIES OF ALL THREE?! -DROOL-

Pedobear

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This show was ALWAYS creepy as hell.

I can't help but see the potential for Pedobears creeping all around this place. Especially with all the free condoms.

I mean I even felt like a Pedobear myself during sychronized diving. Then I learned that they were actually 14 and proceeded to gouge my eyes out. It's wrong to play with viewer emotions like that!
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